I am a mother and grandmother from Norwegian-American ethnicity with green eyes and graying hair. I worked for most of my life, and have lived among numerous other ethnic groups, some where I felt like I was, in some way, a part of them and some not. I’ve seen and experienced many things and have had profound losses throughout my life. It is from that background that I write this. I am not a psychologist, but this needs to be said and considered.
Angry children who don’t receive help may grow into angry teenagers. The anger builds, gets suppressed, buries itself inside where it builds some more. The child has no idea how to handle it. The reasons for the anger and for the deep sorrow that accompanies it may be obscure even where general problems that may or may not be related can be determined. Other children in the same community may experience similar obvious problems and yet don’t grow up to be filled with a rage so overwhelming that it ultimately becomes self-destructive to the teen and those around him.
One day a close friend asked her teenage son for help in lifting some heavy cartons. To her surprise, he exploded and rammed his fist into the living room wall so hard that it left a dent. They looked at each other in shock. “I think you need help…,” was all she could think of to say.
“So get me some,” he answered, and stalked out of the room. She told me that this incident was a wake-up call to recognize how badly her troubled marriage was affecting her children. Fortunately, she recognized it in time before her sons grew up and left home. She still had time to get all of them into family counselling and get the healing and self-insights started.
Most of us are aware that children go through stages as they grow. Babies roll over, toddlers walk away when you call them, preschoolers surprise us with how quickly they learn language, and grade- and middle-schoolers test boundaries counting on parents to reign them in if they go too far. All of this is normal behavior, and wise parents provide a structured home environment that allows their children to proceed through these stages of development with the least amount of conflict that might challenge their self-esteem. http://bit.ly/1CppVqF
Watching and helping my own children get through their adolescent years was difficult and scary. It was like their brains had been scrambled and whatever good judgement they’d had previously went out the window. I was astounded at the pranks and situations that they and their friends got themselves into. When I discovered that marijuana had entered the picture, it became clear that nothing that I said or did would persuade them to stop, so I took a different approach. I emphasized “truth-telling” above all else. I managed to recognize the signs of when they had been smoking, so they couldn’t lie to me and get away with it. When I asked, and they admitted it, I merely said that I was sorry that they hadn’t given it up yet.
What scared me most was if they might get themselves into some trouble that would involve the police. Groups of adolescent young men walking or standing together on the sidewalk seem threatening to many people, and suspicious to the police. I warned my teens again and again that if the police stopped them, that they should cooperate. Do not fight back. Do not lip-off. Do not challenge them. The one thing to understand about the police is that they are trained to be in control of all situations in which they find themselves. Let me emphasize:
Police enforce the law.
Police keep order in society.
Police are mandated to control.
This is their job. We need them to do their job and do it well.
And so we have an angry child/adolescent who commits an act of defiance. He takes something from a convenience store and walks off without paying for it. He probably couldn’t tell you why he did it. He may not even have wanted the item, but he grabbed it because he was mad, and the item was right there, right under his hand. He walks away not knowing that the store manager has called the police and that the description of him was specific. A police car rolls up, challenges him, and now he’s scared. Scared and angry. Enough. He’s had enough. He’s not going to take it anymore. He has felt put-down all day, all week. (Remember that kids this age don’t think much about the future. Their life is in the now.) Anger boils into rage. This time, he’s not running. This time, he’s not hiding. Impulsively, he turns toward the policeman. And so we have an unstoppable force (a rage-filled adolescent) hitting an immovable object (a policeman who must be in control as he enforces the law), and the result can only end in tragedy. http://bit.ly/12cfOVd
Angry children and teens live in every community, in every culture, in every country. Why these kids develop chronic anger may be different with each child. Sometimes parents can surmise the cause in their own child, but many times parents, especially those who are struggling themselves, may not even be aware of their child’s anger and certainly not of how deeply entrenched it has become. Teenagers are in the “separation” stage of growth and development where they are trying to become individuals separate and apart from parents, and so they don’t tell their parents what they are thinking or doing. This is a normal part of growing up, but troublesome in a teen who has become chronically angry and whose anger is escalating.
Adolescence, that period between childhood and maturity, has no age-clear boundaries. Some believe that adolescence lasts well into the twenties and maybe even until thirty before the brain matures into its adult state. Adolescents are impressionable, and when their guard is down, they can be manipulated. Why do you suppose it’s so easy to recruit young people, boys mainly but girls also, to join terrorist groups such as Al Queda, ISIS, or radical militias and Skinheads. Once recruited and brainwashed, these children may be strapped with bombs and sent out to kill. Most parents don’t see it coming….
With all the other problems that we are dealing with on this planet, let’s add one more. Let’s begin to take a look at the role that adolescents play in how the world works. For example, it is they who fill the ranks of so many protests. With minimal ability to look forward to the consequences of their actions, they dive in to try and address grievances. Protests are usually a last resort for people who need societal change and who feel that all other avenues have been closed to them. Peaceful protests may be noted by the world, but far too often protests must turn violent before change will actually come about. The question becomes, how do we protect our teenagers and our twenty-somethings from harm, from getting into situations that they can’t get out of, from getting hurt or from hurting others. That is the question.
It’s time we start giving our adolescent children and their precarious stage in life the attention that is so sorely needed.
Please leave a comment and let me know if you agree.